Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Do I look like a sandwich artist?

Maybe I'm too used to fast food places being convenient, but I find Subway annoying. When I walk up to the counter and tell the "sandwich artist" I want a foot-long Teriyaki Chicken sub on whole-wheat, they take out a bun, cut it open, and say, "what would you like on that?"

Didn't I just say I want a Teriyaki Chicken sub? I want Teriyaki Chicken stuff on it, wise guy. All you've given me so far is a bun. There's nothing particularly Teriyaki-Chickenish about that, is there? Unless this is one of those Zen things and the bun already has Teriyaki Chicken nature.

What if I said I don't want anything on it, I just want a regular Teriyaki Chicken sub? Would you sell me just the bun? Six bucks for a chunk of bread? "What are you eating, Jan, a chunk of bread?" "No, it's a Subway Teriyaki Chicken sub; I just didn't get any of the extras."

I can see being asked if I want salt or pepper, but if I tell you anything more am I not then doing your job? Don't you know how to make a Teriyaki Chicken sub?

What if I ask for Texas hot sauce? Now it's not a Teriyaki Chicken sub anymore, is it? Now it's like a Teriyaki Buffalo Wing sub. So why did you bother asking? In fact, why spend all that money keeping your menu up to date when you only really sell one thing: a bun. "What would you like on it?"

You know what... motor oil. Put motor oil on it. Isn't that how they make Teriyaki Chicken subs? No? Well I didn't know that, did I? If I knew how to make one wouldn't I have my own Subway franchise? Wouldn't I be standing on that side of the counter, harassing hungry people?

You don't see McDonald's asking what you want on your Big Mac. "Yeah, I'll have a hamburger pattie, some lettuce, tomatoes, onions, industrial waste, pond scum..." or whatever it is that gives Big Macs that special flavour.

I'm thinking next time I go to Subway I'll order the cheapest sub they have advertised — the Veggie sub — and when they ask me what I would like on it I'll say, "I'll have a piece of chicken cooked in Teriyaki sauce, please."

Hey, you asked.

10 comments:

Rene Kat

You should order a hamburger in the Netherlands.
All you get is a piece of meat.
You need to ask for the bun.
I ordered a hamburger and Fries and got just that a piece of meat and fries.
They dont even ask you what you want on it cause its just a piece of ground up cow.
Lekker.

Jan Kat

Smaakt het? Ja, maar niet goed.

Maybe they're trying to subtly suggest you need to go on an Atkins diet.

You forgot to mention that they also drown the fries in mayonaisse. And you have to eat pizza with a knife and fork 'cause the crusts are so thin.

Anyways, why aren't you clogging your arteries the Dutch way, with broodje croquet and fricandel? You could have stayed here if you're just going to eat burgers and fries.

Anonymous

my goss my comments are never working any more,try it one more time,excelent humor, must have that from "me"I see it the same way in Subway,Iam hungry give me the darn thing I orderd,how are the burgers guilder size? there I do not know the Euro but hear and see its doing good so the bun might come with it pretty soon,broodje croqette and fricandell hm hm good for you every couple of months or so,smaakt het ,ja maar niet goed

Rene Kat

I like this blogging it reminds me of Coffee Talk with Linda Richman.
Anonymous says Huh?
Don't worry anonymous its Like Buttah.
I'm just saying Jan nice idea.
I know, I know, no big whoop.
Ok talk amongst yourselves.
Anonymous says Huh?
Love you mom.

Anonymous

Huh?

Jan Kat

Huh?

Rene Kat

You know Mike Meyers SNL.

Jan Kat

What, the guy from the Halloween movies?

Rene Kat

Mike Myers
coffee talk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sE2p7jrUYJk

Jan Kat

Looks like your keyboard is broken. Try unplugging it and plugging it back in.

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